HANG out the Union Jack, let's have a chorus of 'Rule Britannia' – not just to get up Alex Salmond's nose, although there is nothing wrong in that. The reason for the flag-waving is to celebrate the proof that I am a red, white and blue True Brit.
I have scrambled a pass in the test of Britishness. Admittedly, I only managed to score nine out of 14, but it is enough to let me claim British citizenship. And if any of my sorely-tried schoolteachers were still alive, they would tell you that is a lot better than I ever did in any other exam.

BBC's Panorama, following up on Prime Minister Gordon Brown's national identity crisis, went in pursuit of Britishness last week and to help us find it, they have put their own test on their website. While not as stringent as the Government's Life in the UK test, now compulsory for those wanting to take out citizenship, it does reveal how little we think about the things that make up our nationality – our society, institutions, history and culture.

There are test centres, run by the Border and Immigration Agency in Glasgow and Edinburgh, but the applicants are not asked specifically Scottish questions. This is a test of 'Britishness' for people who no doubt will regard themselves as Indian/Pakistani/Caribbean/African/Polish or whatever as well as Scottish and British.

In the same way, non-Nats like me are happy to regard ourselves as Scot-Brits and those of us who have won the lottery of life can proudly boast that we are Fifers first and foremost. Just as Olympic hero Chris Hoy says: "I'm a proud Scot and a very proud Briton as well."

In any case, what would a test of 'Scottishness' in the current context ask? Demonstrate how to girn about the English? Recite 'Scots Wha' Hae', sing 'Flower o' Scotland', précis the plot of Braveheart and list in detail historical grievances including sundry invasions over the centuries, the 'robbery' of our sovereignty in 1707 in which we connived, Cromwell's cruelty, the 'theft' of our oil and Gazza's goal? No doubt the clincher question would be: "Which team do you support when England qualify for football finals and Scotland doesn't?"

Some questions based on the Home Office guide to Life In the UK seem downright daft. Why should a new citizen know or care where Father Christmas comes from? I have always believed his grotto is in Lapland, but the official answer is the North Pole. I took a flying guess at the calendar sequence of the four UK national saints' days.

Why would I know St George's and St David's Day when I can't remember my wife's birthday or our wedding anniversary?

One set of questions gives must-know information on modern Britain: what to do when you spill someone's drink in the pub and get into a punch-up. Do you offer to buy another pint, dry them off with your own shirt or prepare for a fight in the car park? Being a belligerent sort, I made the wrong choice, instead of what the Home Office describes as the "prudent" option. After the fracas, one should know which number to phone for police and ambulance. Since when could you phone 112, as well as 999? And why has no one told me before?

And if the bobbies ask you to accompany them to the station, does one absolutely have to go? Those from police states or regard themselves as second-class because they are immigrants will make the wrong choice.

Of course, key to the questionnaire is the kind of Britain the applicants will live in and the answer seems to be tolerantly multicultural; let us hope so. Out of three alternatives, being British means you should "Respect laws, the elected political structures, traditional values of mutual tolerance and respect for rights and mutual concern."

In official eyes, the test reveals, that takes precedence over "sharing in the history and culture of an island nation with a character moulded by many different peoples over more than 2,000 years" or "being part of a modern European democracy, one with a tradition of sharing our ways with the world and allowing the world to bring its ways to us".

Does all this matter? It matters a lot to Gordon Brown and should matter to everyone who wants to keep the UK united. In the last two years, Brown – emphasising his right to be PM of Britain, while very obviously a Scot – has focused on our mutual nationality, while the SNP seizes every chance to crank up the Battle of Britishness.

Britishness should not be one-way and there is much the English could do to foster our togetherness. They could start by not being so bloody-minded about honest Scottish currency; I still rankle at the memory of my family being driven in a London bus to a police station when I offered the conductor Scots pounds.

Little Englanders in Parliament and the London media should zip up before perpetuating the libel that Scots are sponging neighbours. The English Broadcasting Corporation should play its part by not talking about "the UK taxpayer" footing the bill for progressive Scotland-only policies, and by being more accurate about British gold medallists and tennis players who are also Scottish or Welsh.

Britishness or Scottishness is not a matter of passport or ethnic classification, but what we feel. As the proud patriarch of a family which now has Scots, English, Chinese, French, Indian, Irish and Italian blood, I will rejoice every day of the year. I don't need a national day nor an exam result to celebrate what we have in common, not what divides us.