Barbara speaks out from beyond the grave

Chavs, slobs and neds beware. Dame Barbara Cartland has returned from beyond the grave to tell 21st-century Britons to jolly well buck up.

The self-styled "Queen of Romance" may have exited the world in 2000, at the ripe old age of 98, in a pink cardboard coffin (honestly), but now the aristocrat, lampooned in Little Britain as Dame Sally Markham, has made a posthumous comeback in a bid to ensure that polite conversation once again revolves around Ascot rather than Asbos.

The spectre of the perma-pink toff, who was inevitably photographed caked in cosmetics and clutching a small dog which appeared to be made entirely out of candy floss, has returned clutching her Etiquette Handbook: A Guide To Good Behaviour From The Boudoir To The Boardroom.

As you can imagine, the tome - first printed 50 years ago - is brimming with practical suggestions.

Cartland advises any feckless or lumpen oik who is looking to better one's self to follow the example of the Royal Family - a dignified clan who remain reassuringly immune from the ghastly modern ills of divorce, extra-marital affairs, foul language and washing one's dirty linen in the gutter press.

The fuschia-coloured one states: "She's really no different from us," is a comment repeated in surprise over and over again after the Queen has visited some part of the Empire.

"It is the naturalness of the Queen, Prince Philip and the Queen Mother which delights everyone who meets them.

"It results from unselfconsciousness and an unfailing wish to please."
Cartland trumpets the late Queen Mother as the ultimate model of modesty and self-sacrifice.

"She has no BBC accent, no plum-in-the-mouth pontifical purity, no exaggerated preciousness alleged by the ignorant to go with high birth.
"The result is a warmth and friendliness that puts everyone at ease and makes her the greatest ambassador for the British way of life we have ever had."

But the one time coltish debutante does not shy away from addressing all aspects of married life, including those activities one wouldn't want the servants to overhear.

She writes: "If a woman wants to make the ordinary man into a wonderful lover she must praise him continually.

"The slightest criticism will make him reserved and nervous and this is death to physical unity.

"On the other hand a man who makes love and turns over and goes to sleep without telling a woman how greatly he enjoyed himself is both a fool and a brute."

The game old Dame also has a stack of other bedroom rules.

"The man should open the windows before he gets into bed.

"A wife should see that the clocks are right so there is no rush in the morning.

"She should also see that her husband has a clean aired shirt and fresh socks ready to put on the next day.

"Unless she is ill a woman should always get up and cook her husband's breakfast before he goes to work.

"It is very bad manners to do this in curlers, without lipstick, in a shabby dressing gown or down-at-heel slippers."

Other gems include:

"When there are servants, the plates for the first course are never put on the table until everyone is seated.

"I cannot stress too often that on every formal occasion, whether it is a luncheon, a bazaar or a meeting, a hat should be worn."

My personal favourite is: "Men. Attending an interview with long-hair can appear slovenly, 'arty' or even suspicious."

I wonder whether Babs would recommend the use of long gloves while texting one's dealer and what sort of case today's young fillies should be seen carrying while checking into rehab?


Bill's unforgettable hangover

If you thought your weekend hangover was bad, spare a thought for the boozy Australian whose drooling indignity was captured on camera on shown to sniggering millions around the world.

The 36-year-old, known only as Bill, slumped onto the pavement outside his home at the very moment Google's Street View camera was filming there.

It meant that whenever users of the internet mapping tool looked up his street in the Melbourne suburbs, they could see him lying unconscious on the kerb.

The hapless Antipodean had been drowning his sorrows after going to the funeral of a close friend who died when his boat smashed into a pylon.

A taxi dropped Bill off at his mother's home early in the morning and, feeling ill from all the alcohol, he immediately collapsed on the grass and fell asleep.

He came round hours later when the police arrived and began shaking him.
But until last week, he had no idea Google's camera-equipped car had captured his image as it toured the suburb collecting pictures for the Street View tool on Google Maps.

Bill said: "I'm not too happy about it. I mean, I shouldn't have been in the state I was in but I wasn't thinking there would be someone driving by with a video camera on the roof filming me."

Google have now removed Bill's image from the Street Map tool. He's vowed to stick to just the 12 pints of Fosters and three kebabs from now on.


Bali bomber only Number Two on the hate list

You can't claim that they don't have a strong sense of perspective Down Under.

Paul Merrill, the editor of the Australian version of lad mag Zoo, has released the results of their annual poll entitled 50 People We Hate.

In a shock result rugby league star Sonny Bill Williams came top ahead of Bali bomber Amrozi bin Nurhasyim.

The so-called "smiling bomber" killed more than 200 people, many of them Aussies, during the terrorist atrocity in the Indonesian holiday paradise in 2002.

Williams' "crime", however, was to defect from the Australian national team to the French side.

"The man we call Money Bill Williams is nothing but a bloody snake and it's right that he topped the poll," said Merrill.

He was equally outspoken about the Vatican's head honcho who came in at number seven, for "shutting down our streets and filling them with a bunch of weirdos" during a Papal visit during World Youth Day in Sydney.

He quipped diplomatically: "Generally we don't like the Pope. He's old and looks a bit strange, like he should be in Star Wars."


Weird Weekend

Auchinawa is Scotland's largest convention dedicated to the celebration of Japanese animation and popular culture. Middle-aged IT specialists and chartered surveyors from around the world will gather in Glasgow to dress as futuristic oriental warriors and, erm, watch cartoons.

Auchinawa, November 14-16, Holiday Inn, Glasgow Airport.