RED TOP REVIEW
By Tom Little

Glitter 'wants a Scottish hideaway'
Rather alarmingly, The Sun claims that convicted paedophile Gary Glitter is planning to escape to Scotland. A "pal" told the paper that the former glam rocker wanted "a secluded cottage in Scotland" where he could hide away after being kicked out of Vietnam.
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The paper also reports that cult sci-fi classic Red Dwarf is to come back to the screens with four 30-minute new shows.
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MS martial arts champ denied benefits
In a week in which Scotland has been celebrating sporting excellence, The Daily Record tells of Kirsten McLaughlin, a Tae Kwon Do champ who has been refused benefits even though she has multiple sclerosis. The paper claims the refusal is on the grounds that Kirsten, 33, can still talk.
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The tabloid devotes page 3 today to the US version of Life On Mars, with Harvey Keitel as Gene Hunt in the New York setting.
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X Factor 'faker' story gets more complicated
Finally, the Mirror has an exclusive interview with X Factor faker Alan Turner, who opens his heart on why he had falsely claimed to be an orphan. You have been warned...
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BUSINESS
By Nathalie Thomas

Diageo slashes profits target
Mounting concerns over the economic slowdown in Europe resulted in drinks giant Diageo cutting its profits target this morning. Despite posting an 11% increase in profits for 2007/2008, the group behind Johnnie Walker whisky said it is expecting profits for the year to June 2009 to fall to between 7% and 9%. It had previously forecast a solid 9% rise.

Finance director Nick Rose said the British and European markets were "looking quite challenging" but said the group is confident about North America, which accounts for close to 40% of its business.

"Our view is robust around North America. Attention is switching to Great Britain and the rest of Europe, which is looking quite challenging," he said.

Rose also raised the spectre of rising costs as the prices for grains, glass and packaging continue their upward curve.
Diageo increased its full-year dividend 5% to 34.35p.

TELEVISION
By Fiona Leith
Medical matters
Professor Robert Winston looks at the most controversial new developments in medical science, from robotic surgery to improvised physiotherapy techniques in Malawi.
Superdoctors, BBC1, 9pm

Funny boys
Nominees for every comedy award from Chortle's Best Newcomer to the If.comedies' Best Show of 2007, Pappy's Fun Club are the sketch show darlings of the comedy critics. Matthew Crosby, Tom Parry, Ben Clark and Brendan Dodds' ability to switch between characters and keep the audience on side has been rewarded by this TV appearance.
Comedy Lab: Pappy's Fun Club, Channel 4, 11.20pm

On the ball
This junior football mockumentary is worth seeking out, as it slickly takes the Michael out of the mundane lives of the footballing dads and their Oscar-worthy emotions when coaching their sons through the ways of the world via the green turf.
The Cup, BBC2, 9.30pm

FASHION
By Kayt Turner

Pictured (left to right): Tilda Swinton; Brad Pitt; Alberta Ferretti & Claudia Schiffer

Keen as mustard
So, you're heading out with two of the world's most gorgeous men. What to wear? A short skirt can be a good idea - possibly not in mustard, but we'll let that pass. If you've got the legs, go for it, we say. Putting on high shoes that you can hardly walk in - also not a bad thought. It means that you can accidentally swoon into the arms of George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Having put all that effort in, why would Tilda Swinton then decide to wear the contents of her Christmas decoration box draped around her shoulders?

Hats off
I know, I know - Brad Pitt's swoonability is rarely in question. But you have to admit that he's pushing the boundaries in Venice, with stories of stack heels, the white suit and the hat. Is Brad racing through his mid-life crisis? Or is this what happens when the missus isn't about to lay out his clothes of a morning?

Little'n'Large
Alberta Ferretti isn't going to miss a trick with Brad and George about - I assume that's the reason her pants and cleavage are on display. However, she's more likely to fell them with laughter than lust if she persists on standing next to the statuesque Claudia Schiffer.

SPORT
By Andrew Smith
All eyes on Champions League draw
The sporting focus will swing firmly back to football after an Olympian month as the draw for the Champions League group stages takes place at 5pm in Monaco's Grimaldi Forum.

Celtic will be hoping their group opponents give them a realistic opportunity of emulating their knock-out stage progress in each of the past two seasons.

The Scottish champions are a Pot 3 side. A favourable section for them would comprise teams such as Lyon, Sporting Lisbon and bottom seeds and Belarussian first-timers at this level, BATE Borisov. A horrible group would leave them having to face down Chelsea, Juventus and Dynamo Kiev.

Pot 1
Chelsea
Liverpool
FC Barcelona
Arsenal
Manchester United
Olympique Lyon
Internazionale
Real Madrid

Pot 2
Bayern Munich
PSV Eindhoven
Villarreal
AS Roma
FC Porto
Werder Bremen
Sporting CP Lisbon
Juventus

Pot 3
Olympique Marseille
Zenit St Petersburg
Steaua Bucharest
Panathinaikos
Girondins Bordeaux
Celtic
FC Basel
Fenerbahce

Pot 4
Shakhtar Donetsk
Fiorentina
Atletico Madrid
Dynamo Kiev
CFR Cluj
Aalborg
Anorthosis Famagusta
BATE Borisov

INTERNETWebsite of the day
Whether you are an aspiring Phileas Fogg, a much-travelled show-off or just a bit of a can't-sit-still saddo, you can now chart your progress across the globe with this website, which allows you to mark off each country you visit - and post the results on your social network pages, of course.
http://douweosinga.com/projects/visited?region=world