RED TOP REVIEW

Kerry Katona's booby prize

Today's papers are stuffed full of gold-winning UK Olympians but, rest assured, there's still plenty of space left for good old-fashioned British under-achievers. Take Kerry Katona, for example, who appears in the Daily Mirror under the headline 'Boom and Bust'. The former Atomic Kitten singer was recently declared bankrupt by the High Court in London over an unpaid council tax bill for £103,000. But, according to the paper, that didn't stop her checking in to a private clinic in the city for £15,000-worth of cosmetic surgery, including breast reduction, liposuction and stretch mark removal. So how's she paying? Silly question. The op is being filmed for a reality TV show and won't cost her a penny.

The Foster Factor

The same paper reveals how an X Factor hopeful may have been economical with the truth when he told millions of viewers he grew up in a foster home and was desperate to meet his real family. Alan Turner, 23, got through to the next round of the competition, but could now be in trouble with Mr Cowell and Co. Alan's father, Alan Turner Snr, told the paper that although he and his wife split when their son was 18 months old, he stayed in touch and Alan was brought up by his mother and grandmother. He said: "I was watching the X Factor when my son came on. I was shocked because I had no idea he was on the show. I was even more shocked when I heard him say he had been fostered and wanted to find out who his real mum and dad were. I only spoke to him five weeks ago."

Sky's over the limit

The Daily Mail gives a big show to a tale of Anglo-Polish under-achievement. Air stewardess Monika Lukomska, 24, is looking for a new job after getting sacked for being too drunk to fly. Aberdeen Sheriff Court heard how she went out for a drink with the crew the night before flying with BMI to Portugal. The crew downed two bottles of wine and cocktails, resulting in Lukomska failing a alcohol test the next day. She admitted being almost three times over the limit and was fined £400.

FASHION

Sausages

Looks like Hayden has been to the sausage skin factory for this little number. She can't decide whether to pull it up or pull it down. Out would be my advice young lady.

Fill 'er Up

We're so used to seeing stars falling out of their dresses that Hillary Swank's outfit comes as a big surprise. She needs to get a smaller corset or some chicken fillets. Otherwise, she's in terrible boob droop country. Or, as we prefer to call it, RumerLand.

Seasick

I don't understand Ali Larter. She has a bod to die for – as evidenced by the string bikini pics that are everywhere – so why cover it up in some Demis Roussos-style kaftan. Especially one that matches the carpet and backdrop and is heading for RummerLand as we speak.

SPORT
By Graham Bean

Capital bus parade honours Olympians

Scotland's Olympic medallists, led by triple-gold winner Chris Hoy, will parade down the Royal Mile tomorrow in an open-top bus.

Hoy will be joined by silver medallists Katherine Grainger, Ross Edgar and David Florence in the victory parade, which begins at Edinburgh Castle at 1.30pm. The bus will head down the High Street finishing at the Broad Pavement, Holyrood Park.

Hoy is the first British Olympian in 100 years to win three golds at a single Games.

Sunderland close in on Anton Ferdinand

Sunderland were closing in on the signing of West Ham defender Anton Ferdinand today as he arrived on Wearside.

The England Under-21 international was set to undergo medical tests, with manager Roy Keane confident of landing a player who could cost Sunderland around £8m. Ferdinand is the younger brother of Manchester United and England defender, Rio.

BUSINESS
By William Lyons

Virgin Atlantic weathers turbulence with 38% rise in profits

Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Atlantic ducked the storm enveloping the aviation industry with a 38% rise in annual profits. The airline, which specialises in long-haul flights to North America, the Caribbean, Africa and Asia, said this morning that its profits had been helped by an increase in bookings from business travellers, with premium passenger numbers up 22% on the year, helping boost group sales by 9.1% to £2.34bn.

TELEVISION
By Fiona Leith

Thames Shipwrecks: A Race Against Time, BBC2, 8pm

As part of one of the biggest marine archaeological excavations in history, seven shipwrecks are being brought out of London's river, and in tonight's programme, maritime expert Frank Pope and historian Tessa Dunlop examine what has been dredged up, including a 17th century warship and boats from the Second World War.

Fiddles, Cheats And Scams, STV, 9pm

No, this is not an idiot's guide to getting away with it, more a lessen in what not to do. From burning down businesses to murder, the programme exposes the extreme lengths some people will go to in order to defraud the big insurance companies.

The Edinburgh Festival Show, BBC2, 10pm

Joan Rivers has been the Queen of Auld Reekie this past month, so here's your chance to see what all the fuss was about as Lauren Laverne meets the great lady and talks about her autobiographical play. Also, the verdict on the International Festival's biggest ever selling show – choreographer Matthew Bourne's Dorian Gray.

Simon Gray's Smoking Diaries, BBC2, 11pm

A fitting tribute to the late Simon Gray, who passed away earlier this month. Alan Yentob profiles the playwright's work and collaborations.

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