RED TOP REVIEW

Citizen's arrest backfires

There's a dearth of decent exclusives in the tabs today, but still plenty of fascinating stories to gawp at. The Sun is one of several papers to feature remarkable pictures of an angry boss marching a worker to the local police station, complete with a Chinese-style placard around his neck proclaiming the alleged crime. Simon Cremer paraded Mark Gilbert through the streets of Witham, Essex, after the carpet fitter allegedly confessed to stealing £845. Gilbert had his hands tied behind his back and a cardboard sign with the allegation "Thief I stole £845 am on my way to police station" placed across his chest. "Sign of the crimes," says the headline. But there was a sting in this tale of vigilante justice: Cremer himself was arrested by police on suspicion of false imprisonment.

TV cop Heather Locklear hauled in for drunk driving

Most-humiliated celebrity of the day has to be Heather Locklear, who played a policewoman in the 1980s show TJ Hooker, being breathalysed and arrested by a highway patrol in Santa Barbara, California. "TV star Heather collared for real," says the Daily Mirror, which claims the 47-year-old star was spotted revving her engine and reversing over a pair of sunglasses and stumbling into the road. The paper says Locklear was accused of driving under the influence of prescription medicine and freed on £2,700 bail. The paper adds that Locklear, who checked into a clinic in June with depression, was divorced last year from Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora.

Aggie MacKenzie's secret MI6 past revealed

The Daily Mail is one of several papers with the story of hygiene guru Aggie MacKenzie's secret past as a spook. The star of TV show How Clean Is Your House? developed her snooping skills at MI6, which she joined after leaving Aberdeen University. MacKenzie says she was trained in spy techniques such as dead-drops and phone tapping during the 1970s, but decided to leave at the height of the Troubles in Northern Ireland when she became "privy to information" she would "rather not" have known.


TELEVISION

By Fiona Leith

Jamie's Ministry Of Food, Channel 4, 9pm

Not content with government reform, and a nation of canteen ladies falling at his feet, Mr Oliver sets out on his new franchise, I mean mission, as he attempts to teach the country to cook, at home and from a young age, in order to change the British diet.

Silent Witness, BBC1, 9pm

It's never been the same since Amanda Burton left, nor since Waking The Dead came on our screens, nor since Dead Ringers parodied it to within an inch of its life, but Silent Witness soldiers on. Emilia Fox leads the team of forensics on yet another mystery-solving expedition tonight, but finds herself focusing most of her attention on Leo's brush with the boys in blue.

Dawn Porter: Free Lover, Channel 4, 10pm

In an attempt to find love Porter explores the less conventional routes used by free-thinking and downright freaky folk around the world, including polygamy, geisha training and the mail order bride industry.


SPORT

Celtic's date with destiny in Spain

Celtic must overcome history as well as Villarreal in tonight's Group E Champions League clash.

The Parkhead side have played in Spain 10 times previously in competitive fixtures and are still looking for their first win.

Seven defeats and three draws is Celtic's modest record, and one they must surely improve on this evening if they want to make progress in the Champions League.

Gordon Strachan knows his team must take something from the game, but is likely to start with just one up front in the Madrigal. The question is, who will it be?

Georgios Samaras has been Celtic's most potent striker this season, but it was Strachan's other two front-line forwards, Scott McDonald and Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink, who scored the goals in the victory over Aberdeen on Saturday.

It will probably come down to a straight choice between Samaras and Vennegoor of Hesselink, with McDonald starting on the bench.

The match kicks off at 7.45pm and is live on STV and Radio Scotland MW.


BUSINESS

Markets plummet as $700bn bailout is blocked

By Rosemary Gallagher

Turmoil intensified in world markets today following the decision by US lawmakers to reject a $700bn (£388bn) banking bail-out package.

Yesterday, the House of Representatives in the US stunned investors around the world when it voted against the bail-out. Given the impact this decision has had on markets, analysts are hopeful that the US will eventually reach agreement on another rescue package for the financial sector.

The FTSE 100 in the UK was down by 26.4 points to 4,792.4 by 8.59am this morning and its value is expected to fluctuate throughout the day. Banks saw the biggest falls in value in the hours after the FTSE opened.

Wall Street's Dow Jones index experienced its biggest one-day points fall in history yesterday after the US bail-out deal was rejected.


The Internet

Watch Robert Carlyle talk about his role in the forthcoming Scottish historical heist epic Stone of Destiny.