RED TOP REVIEW

They don't pay me to pour petrol!

It's good to know that some stereotypes are reassuringly accurate - that footballers, for example, are as thick as a stack of planks. Take Manchester United star Wayne Rooney, who last week filled up his wife's giant 4-by-4 with unleaded rather than diesel. It meant that the lovely Coleen had to be towed to safety after her £90,000 Range Rover Sport V8 conked out on the M62 in Cheshire. The Mirror helpfully provides Rooney with an at-a-glance guide to picking the right pump on the forecourt - it's the one marked "DIESEL" in big letters, Wayne.

Death comes to school

Talk about shock therapy. Fife schools have been getting their road safety message over to pupils by bringing in an undertaker to talk to them about his job. John Gilfillan, of the Co-op in Lochgelly, tells primary school kids he doesn't want to see them in his day job. "I don't want to frighten them with talk of funerals," he says, "but I emphasise the importance of being on their guard in the mornings. It's a small thing but it might mean the difference between life and death." No, not scary at all, John, and not at all creepy or morbid.

Brown gets the kiss of wife

The tabloids' verdict on Gordon Brown's speech is naturally dominated by the snog he gave his wife Sarah. "Gordon gets the kiss of wife," says The Sun. "Gordon's wife-line," is the Mirror's take. Mrs Brown gets rave reviews but the verdict on her husband is mixed. The Mirror's backing is somewhat restrained: "The Prime Minister, by demonstrating he's down not out, now has a route forward. It's time to deliver, go forward and attack." And the headline on the Sun leader is: "Team GB is safe for now." In the loyal Daily Record there is a plea for Brown to lead from the front in the Glenrothes by-election: "The PM should take heart from a great performance yesterday and show us another one in Fife when the campaign starts."


TELEVISION

By Fiona Leith

Grannies under 40

As more teen mums emerge, the inevitable glamorous granny tag becomes more and more applicable as women in their 30s can find themselves in the role. This documentary hears from the women, and asks whether they are disappointed that their daughters have followed in their pitter patter footsteps, or if the advantages of being a sprightly Nan outweigh any guilt.
Britain's Youngest Grannies, BBC2 Scotland, 9pm

Jack's back in the swing

Jack is back, and tonight takes his buddy, Lord Of The Rings star Elijah Wood, along with him for the ride as the pair go canyon swinging. In a watchable enough concoction of Jackass meets You Bet challenges, Osborne proves himself an amiable host given his passion for outdoor thrills.
Jack Osborne Celebrity Adrenalin Junkie, ITV2, 9pm

Keep it in the family

Are you hooked to every blink and blunder of 'da family' yet, then? The Hughes family, who will be living with close circuit TV in their home for the next four months are a tantalising mix of modern day values with just a hint of bohemian ideals. Last night the lesson in work ethic was delivered from a dad in a Hawaiian shirt, while mother Jane is master of the threatening stare, only to take her 19-year-old daughter on to her knee at the end of a ticking off. Addictive stuff.
The Family, Channel 4, 9pm


FASHION

By Fiona Gray

Pussycat McDolls

Someone told the Pussycat Dolls that tartan was in this season. Unfortunately they forgot to mention that so were clothes. The girls only managed to find a few scarves, a tank top and a pair of tartan troos to put on over their underwear to achieve this season's Scottish-inspired "look". It might work in Hollywood, but in Scotland we wear the scarves around our necks.

Back to school

Who knew that the 1940s schoolboy look would ever come back into fashion? Obviously singer-songwriter Patrick Wolf received the memo the rest of us missed - here he is showing off his skinny white legs, complete with scratches on the knee, in a fetching pair of pinstripe shorts held up by braces and some knee high Doc Martens. But even Patrick looks a bit embarrassed about his get-up - there is a reason they let you wear long trousers in big school, you know.

The sound of Oktoberfest

German celebrities must spend the whole year working out how to pull off the most ridiculous outfit for Oktoberfest in Munich. This year the golden beer stein must go to Gundel Schautzer, wife of Austrian TV host Max Schautzer, who even created a bouquet of flowers to sprout out of her chest. For the rest of the dress she has obviously taken inspiration from fellow Austrian Maria, star of The Sound Of Music, by recycling those old curtains into a perfectly good outfit. How environmentally friendly.


SPORT

By Graham Bean

Hearts skipper denies strike claim

Hearts' first-team squad remains unpaid but the players will not be going on strike, according to club captain Christophe Berra.

Responding to reports in a tabloid that he and his team-mates were considering industrial action, Berra said: "I don't know where the story came from but nothing has been said by the players. We are total professionals, we train hard and we want to win every Saturday.

"We are often in the spotlight because we are Hearts, and like so many reports these are just not true."

Speaking to the Hearts website, Berra added: "I don't know where the stories came from, but I tell you I'd love the paper to name their source as there are no quotes in the story."

The Hearts players weren't paid last week and the club's non-playing staff went unpaid this week. Hearts claim the players will be paid on Friday.


BUSINESS

By Nathalie Thomas

French agree takeover of British Energy

British Energy (BE) this morning accepted a £12.5bn takeover by the French energy giant EDF following months of wrangling.

The asking price represents a nine pence per share increase on the approach made by EDF in July, which was subsequently rejected by BE shareholders.

The UK Government, which will sell its 36% stake in BE for 774p per share, this morning welcomed the deal. Business Secretary John Hutton had been pushing for the purchase to go through after it looked to be on the rocks. Hutton said the deal would offer "a wealth of opportunities for British manufacturers".

It also emerged this morning that Centrica, the largest energy supplier in the UK, has approached EDF to buy a 25% stake in Lake Acquisitions, the subsidiary company of EDF. Centrica said it is interested in buying the stake after the BE takeover is complete at the "same implied price" EDF is paying for BE.


INTERNET

By Marc Horne

Website of the day

Sick of the sight of the "hockey mom" from hell? Take revenge by playing this spoof Sarah Palin computer game. You control an Alaskan polar bear whose goal is to blow up oil wells and avoid being blasted by the crack-shot bespectacled and behived Republican.