A LEADING exponent of the lad-lit genre, Tony Parsons started his writing career on the NME aged 22. His Man and Boy won Book of the Year in 2001 and his subsequent novels have all been bestsellers. He lives in London with his wife, Yuriko, and daughter, Jasmine, and has a son, Robert, from his marriage to Julie Burchill. His most recent novel, My Favourite Wife (HarperCollins), comes out in paperback in August.
Describe your perfect weekendI'd knock off work early on Friday and spend a couple of hours in the gym. Have dinner with my wife Yuriko and our five-year-old daughter Jasmine. Read the kid some Roald Dahl and then have a bottle o
f wine with the missus while we watch Friday Fight Night. Get up early Saturday, drop Jasmine at Japanese school (her mum is Japanese), then Yuriko and I would wander around hand in hand as we did when we were courting. Have some friends round on Sunday afternoon and watch Arsenal beat Manchester United 10-0. Ferguson weeps bitter tears.
What would you do if you ruled the world?Nuke Brussels.
What is your guiltiest pleasure?I find myself unnaturally partial to watching women's volleyball.
When did you last feel sorry for yourself?I never feel sorry for myself. Even if I take a knock I feel that, in the great scheme of things, I am a lucky man.
What do you wish you'd never done?There are a few men I wish I'd never punched, and a few women I wish I hadn't slept with, and a few pints I should never have sunk. But I don't wish for very long because life is an endless series of falling flat on your face and getting back up.
Is your mother proud of you?My mum died almost ten years ago, but I think she would be proud of me. The fact that she never met Jasmine is the great regret of my life.
What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?The engagement ring I bought for Yuriko.
What's the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?When I was nine, one of my friends hid my trousers after PE and I had to go into the class to get the teacher and everybody laughed at me in my baggy little M&S Y-fronts. Nothing comes close to that.
Should you vote?Yes, but sometimes you just can't. I couldn't vote for Ken Livingstone to be London mayor because knife crime has gone through the roof. And I like Boris Johnson but he wants to be loved by everyone, which will stop him making tough decisions. So voted for neither. There's nothing wrong with not voting, so long as it's not due to laziness.
Which was better, your first car or first kiss?My first kiss. The car was a £95 Ford Anglia that brought me nothing but misery.
Who would play you in the movie of your life?Danny DeVito.
Who was your favourite school teacher?My French teacher – she was 22 – looked like Kylie Minogue and wore mini-skirts all the time. Every boy in the school was in love with her.
What is your earliest memory?Christmas at my nan's house, playing with Corgi cars on the floor with my cousins while my parents and aunts and uncles sat up all night playing cards in a cloud of cigarette smoke.
What is your most treasured possession?The Distinguished Service Medal that my late father was awarded as a 19-year-old Royal Naval Commando in the Second World War.
What worries you in the wee small hours?The amount of caffeine I put into my system. Future generations will look back on our coffee culture with the same bewilderment we feel about our grandparents' Woodbine addiction.
What would you do if you weren't a writer?If I couldn't be a successful writer, I'd be an unsuccessful writer – it is the only thing I've ever found that I was any good at.
Are you a fan of celebrity?No, it is meaningless without substance. I grew up in the age of John Lennon and Muhammad Ali, so Paris Hilton is never going to do it for me.
The full article contains 717 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
